falling in love
by Emmel1118
Summary: 'She goes home and lies down on her bed. She dreams of a future. She dreams of falling in love. ' Rachel Mason's life has never been what you could call easy - Eddie/Rachel


_**a/n the idea for this one shot came to me the other day and I just couldn't get it out my head. It wasn't meant to be this long, but it just sort of got a life of it's own. I really didn't want to split it up, as I thought it broke the flow of the story so this is all of it and it is really long, I admit that, but please read it though to the end! I might review my decision to put it all up in one go a little later, but at the mo it's all in one. Plus, the style of this story is a little different to how I usually write, so I hope it's good. **_

_**Pairing: Eddie/Rachel, definitely, but with quite a bit of Adam/Rachel as well. **_

_Falling in Love_

Amanda's born in Nottingham, in a house on hill, as the first snow of the year falls. She's born to parents who used to love each other more than anything, but don't anymore. She's handed to her mother, all wrapped up in blankets, and it doesn't take her long to fall in love with the dark eyed, smiling baby held in her arms. Shame her father doesn't love her quite as quickly or quite as much. Amanda loves her parents from the moment she first sees them. It's natural, it's normal to love your parents from the off. She just wishes the rest of her life was quite so normal. (It's not. She's just wasting her time wishing)

Her sister comes along not four years later, all tiny and precious and beautiful. Amanda loves her sister too, with her tufts of golden hair and wide smile. Little Amanda makes a promise to herself that day, one she tries to keep for the rest of her life. (But she fails, like she does at everything she did as Amanda) She and Melissa do everything together, wiling away hours in the garden. Amanda's escaping the shouting, and Melissa just comes along for the ride.

For their parents don't love each other anymore and hate is building up. Amanda blocks her sister's ears, and instead of listening to their parents marriage fall apart, they travel to far off places and have magical adventures. Amanda is old enough now to understand her parents, and their vengeful words, but she keeps them to herself. She wishes again. She wishes for the shouting to stop. (But it doesn't) She stares at her sister sometimes; envious because she's too young comprehend what's going on downstairs.

Then Melissa grows up and she finally gets why her older sister used to take her away when the shouting started. They don't talk about it. (They never do about the important things) They just look at each other, their faces showing what a thousand words couldn't. They go to school. They come home. They try to live their lives, ignoring the screams and the pleas and the shouts. It doesn't work. People notice, people ask them why they hang around at the gates at the end of school, why they're never eager to go home. They never tell the people who just want to help them, though. It's private and it's a secret, their mother always tells them, and neither of them like breaking promises. They trust their mother when she tells them she's got it under control and that it's going to be alright.

It's after Amanda turns twelve, that her father stops coming home. At first, she's glad because the shouting and the cursing stops, but then she feels guilty, because he's her father and she should miss him. She doesn't, though, which makes her feel even guiltier. Melissa begs and begs their mother to find him, but Amanda's old enough now (she's twelve, far too old to play make believe with her little sister anymore) to pretend that she doesn't see the looks on her mother's face. The ones that tell her that their dad is never coming home now he's gone.

She thought it would all be fine after their father disappears but she's wrong. The mother that Amanda loves so dearly flounders with the new found solidarity. Their father had been her crutch, holding her up, giving her a reason to get up in the mornings – even if it was only to be criticised, to be shouted at, to be hit. It gave her purpose. It slowly dawns on Amanda that her mother can't mother to save her life, and soon she becomes like a ghost, flitting in and out of their lives with alarming frequency. Amanda has to step up now, growing up too fast too soon, though she doesn't think about it like that. She thinks that it is what is needed, not understanding that it shouldn't be needed at all. (For someone so clever, she can be so blind sometimes) She cooks and she cleans, she looks after Melissa and she goes to school to get the grades that she needs. Sometimes she gets so tired she nearly drops off in class, only to be awoken far too soon and with a reprimand just around the corner.

They try to talk to her again, the people at the school; her tutor, the head of year, the councillor, everyone tries and fails to get out of her why her usually good grades are slipping and why she keeps falling asleep in class. She thinks she can do it all, that's she's superwoman, but she's not. She ignores them and their pleas, pretending everything is just fine when really it's not. Amanda just tries too hard. She goes home and lies down on her bed. She dreams of a future. She dreams of falling in love.

She gets older, and so, in turn, does Melissa. Far too quickly, she is celebrating her sixteenth birthday with a bottle of vodka in a side street with just the dark as company. Amanda gets drunker and drunker and drunker and soon she can't see more than two feet and she can't walk in a straight line. Melissa finds her, because she didn't go far enough. Her cheeks burn red, and her tongue – loosened by the devil's drinks – lashes out spiteful comments. She rants for what seems for hours, and when she's done, she collapses on the cold, freezing tarmac, completely spent. She cries then. (The first time since their mother left that she lets herself fall to pieces)

Melissa tries to talk to her but it just makes it worse. Soon, she finds herself with her old friend the drink more often than not, just to help her through the day. It makes everything easier, everything so much clearer. Amanda gets in with the wrong crowd at school, with the people she used to hate, though she forgets that now. (For someone so clever, she can be so stupid sometimes) Her grades slip even further, but she can't find herself caring anymore. She doesn't care about much anymore. She hates her life and just wants the responsibility gone. She doesn't want to have to look after her sister anymore, finally feels the burden, but now it's too late to seek help, because Amanda's spiralling now, falling further and further astray. She goes out with her mates, and forgets about Melissa for a couple of hours, until she staggers home, blind drunk, a massive smile plastered on her face, to a dark home with a trembling little sister sitting in the darkest corner, ticking down the hours until her older sister, her protector comes home to save her. But Amanda's too far gone now; she doesn't give a damn anymore.

Then she meets Freddie. She's drunk when she first meets him, (No big deal. She's usually drunk these days) so she doesn't really remember much. She comes home with his number scrawled on her arm. Amanda dismisses Melissa's concerns – _Freddie's bad news, sis_ – and her pleas – _stop drinking, Manda, it's not good for you. _She goes out and meets Freddie again, ignoring Mel.

Her sister's right of course, but Amanda chooses not to see it. She turns a blind eye to Freddie's misdemeanours, because everybody has their faults – her included. Sometimes she doesn't go home, spending the night god knows where with Freddie. When she sees her sister, she hears the worry in Melissa's tone, but Amanda waves it away. (She's fine. She's always fine) Her grades slip until there are no grades anymore. She doesn't turn up for class, and even when she does, she doesn't listen. When the school year ends, Amanda is quick to decide that she's not going back in September. Melissa begs her to reconsider but Freddie congratulates her. (You can guess who she listens to) Even the teachers that liked her before give up on her. She leaves school that August with two C's – in French and Drama – and four D's – in English, Maths, Science and PE. She overhears Melissa and a teacher whispering about wasted potential and it doesn't take a genius to work out who they're talking about. She shakes her head; she knows she can make it without stupid good grades (but she'd be lying if she said it didn't hurt, though).

She starts hanging out with Freddie more, until she stays more at his place than at her home, with Melissa. He teaches her how to steal and how to cheat and how to live life to the full. Oh, how her mother would be proud of her. She becomes a liar and a cheat to survive with Freddie because that's how he lives and she wants to live with him. If he told her to jump, all she'd say was 'how high?' so when shows her what he wants her to do next, she just nods her head and smiles at him. She needs dutch courage to do what he's asking her to do now, but all it takes is a swig from a bottle and she does it.

Amanda becomes a prostitute because Freddie wants her to, not because she wants to, but she has trouble differentiating between to two these days, really. She sleeps with men for money and then she goes back to Freddie's flat and she drinks booze and then the cycle resets. She doesn't see Melissa - she doesn't do anything else, to be honest. Every so often she catches a glimpse of herself in a mirror and she wonders how she got here. And then she takes a drink and all her cares fly out the window. (But even drink can't fade the disgust she feels)

Then the police come and she gets arrested. She's so drunk she has trouble walking straight so they sling her in a cell and when she wakes up in the morning, with a headache that feels like someone is banging a drum in her head, nobody pays her any attention. Amanda sits on her own in a cold dark cell and for the first time in a long time, she doesn't have her trusty old friend booze by her side. She's sick. She gets cold. She cries.

Sitting in the cell, her tears drying on her face, Amanda Fenshaw thinks that she'll never fall in love. Why would anybody want her? Freddie must be long gone, she realises with a pang – but with her head clear she discovers that she really can't care less. She thought she loved him, but she loved the booze, the lifestyle he gifted her. She doesn't want it anymore.

Melissa bales her out, and Amanda has never felt as disgraceful as she does as she walks out of the police station, Melissa studiously ignoring her. When they get back to the house, Amanda wants a stiff drink or twelve, but she instead she sits on the sofa and watches old repeats of cringe-worthy sitcoms until she falls asleep.

When she wakes up, she finds the house empty. Melissa's gone to school. It slightly shocks Amanda to realises that her sister is still in education, still has future. Amanda wants a future. She wants to escape from the hell her life has become but she doesn't know how.

...

So she runs. She runs and runs and runs, far away so that nobody can find her. She changes her name (to Rachel), and starts her life on the other side of the country, to London (No one can find anyone in London) and tries to bury her old self. Rachel is everything Amanda wasn't (Shy, quiet, reserved and determined) and she succeeds. She builds herself a new life and within two years she's at University, with her life planned out in front of her. She's going to be a teacher, and she's going to stop people spiralling. She's going to stop people making her mistakes. She's a new person now, Amanda a long forgotten memory. (But Rachel still dreams of falling in love, as she lies in bed at night)

Rachel applies herself and Rachel makes it good. She gets a good job, with good pay and meets good people. (No one like Freddie) Rachel gets good grades and Rachel understands their importance. She makes friends, and moves in with in a house in a good neighbourhood, with low rent. (Pity there's no heating) She finishes her first year at Uni with a smile on her face, with hope burning on the horizon. No one from before tracks her down. Not even Melissa.

She even gets a boyfriend. His name is Greg and he holds her like no one has held her since she was five. He tells her he loves her and she tells him she loves him. They hold hands as they picnic in the park and they spend one idyllic summer in Scotland, just him and her, and Rachel thinks that maybe, she's finally falling in love.

You see, Rachel has a theory. Amanda had the same theory, but Rachel doesn't dwell on that small, insignificant fact. She has a theory that you will be in love with many people over your life – your parents, your siblings, your first boyfriend, your husband, if you're lucky enough to get married – but that you'll only _fall_ in love once. Falling is the best part about love, she thinks. It's the way you feel when they walk in room, it's the way your heart skips a beat with they say your name, it's the way you'll fall apart the mere idea of them with someone else. That's the way Rachel sees it, anyway. That's her theory, the theory of falling.

Rachel and Greg move in together, during Rachel's third year of university and that's where it starts to break down. Everything that Rachel changed about herself when she ended her former life makes her forgettable. She's quiet, (Amanda was LOUD) she blends in, (Amanda stuck out like a sore thumb) she doesn't like drinking, (Well, not anymore...) and she sticks her head down and gets on with things. (Something Amanda never did) Her relationship with Greg suffers as a result and Rachel finds herself drifting out of love with him.

So, when she comes home to their house and finds Greg in their bed with another woman, her former flatmate Kitty, (flamed haired, green eyed, gorgeous, anything but forgettable) she doesn't feel as hurt as she should. She just feels numb, because well, she thought that maybe Greg was the one. She gets her stuff and that evening, she leaves. Rachel felt at home at her and Greg's place, but well, she should have known it wouldn't have lasted.

She finishes her last year at Uni, and when she gets her degree, she feels sad that no one is there to watch her. (Greg and Kitty are there, but for each other, of course) Rachel gets her first job, at a school in Ipswich. She meets her colleagues, she teaches her classes, and Rachel finally makes it good at something.

She goes out with three men when she's at St Thomas School in Ipswich. One only lasts one evening. It's not long after she joins the school and the maths teacher, Billy, who has dark hair, dark eyes, who is nothing special. (Maybe that's why she accepts his offer) He bores her half to death as they eat their meal. Rachel decides she's not going to go out with a maths teacher again. (She's wrong)

Another lasts a little longer – three dates, this time. He's an IT consultant, who comes in to help with the computers when they break down and no one can get them to work. His name is Luke and he is fractionally more interesting than Billy, but not much. She breaks it to him gently, and Luke says that they should stay as friends. (They don't)

Her next relationship is much less of a disaster than the three that came before. His name is Nicky Anderson and he's a builder. Rachel needs a builder because her house starts crumbling and she doesn't have the money to move somewhere else. They chat as he fixes her home and Rachel likes him and his Geordie accent. It helps that the bill is nowhere as extortionate as she thought it would be. He asks her out for a drink and she tells him that she isn't looking for a relationship. They talk some more, and she's not quite sure how, but she finds herself accepting his offer.

Rachel wants to take it slowly, and they do. It takes them three years to become what anybody else would call serious. He moves into her place. (It's always handy to have a builder around) He's nice and he's kind and he's lovely, so Rachel allows herself to dream, to imagine a future with this man. They dream together; of children and houses in the country, of a beautiful white wedding and then a honeymoon in Greece. They dream and dream and Rachel thinks that it might come true. Nicky becomes a part of her life like Greg never did. They share bank accounts and mortgages and a life and Rachel likes that.

She meets his parents (Bill and Sue) and she likes them. They like her in return and Rachel can see her dreams finally coming into reality. She might be falling in love with the wonderful builder from Newcastle, and Rachel doesn't really mind. She could spend the rest of her life with him. Then Nicky proposes and she smiles like she hasn't done in years before she says yes.

They don't have time to plan the wedding because Rachel gets promoted at work (to head of history) and Nicky loses his job at the local builder's. He spends all day searching for a job and Rachel spends all day at work, but they don't break under the pressure, they don't split up. Rachel rates her relationship too highly to let a little blip split them up. Then Nicky gets a job (well paid, good hours) and she breathes a sigh of relief. They finally start to plan their wedding, a year after he proposes.

Then Nicky asks why he hasn't met her parents yet. (The beginning of the end...) Rachel replies, telling him she doesn't have any family. Nicky shakes his head. Everybody has family, he says. She shoots back that she's not everybody. Nicky leaves it.

The wedding looms nearer and Nicky asks again. This time she tells him everything. (She should have known he wouldn't like it) Rachel tells him - about Amanda, about her parents, about her precious little sister who she hasn't seen in so long – because she trusts him. It's a shame, really. He holds her as she starts to tell him about her past, but by the end, his touch is gone. Nicky stands up when she finishes and Rachel asks him what's wrong. Then he looks at her and she knows. She should never have told him, he can't see past it. All he sees when he looks at her now is Amanda, not Rachel, not the woman he loves. (Damn you, Amanda) They argue, loud angry voices filling up their usually calm home. They shout and shout for hours, Rachel trying to make him understand but he won't let himself. He doesn't want to marry her, he doesn't want to be with her anymore, and he doesn't want her anymore. (Why would he?) Nicky leaves without a goodbye, taking every trace of him from the house they shared for four long years.

It hurts; she'd be lying if she said it didn't. She sees him now and again down the high street, but he never stops for a chat or even to say hello. Rachel goes to work and her colleagues ask her where her engagement ring has gone. She tells them that her relationship with Nicky has ended in such a way that no one ever asks her about the details. She gets offered another promotion (To deputy head) but she says no. She doesn't want to stay in Ipswich anymore. Rachel resigns from her job and packs her stuff. She finds a job in Burnley that has the deputy head job free. She applies, she gets the job, she moves. (She leaves Nicky behind)

Rachel likes her new job, likes her new colleagues. She makes friends, trusted friends that she hopes will last the years. She makes connections with the kids, stopping them from making her mistakes. For the first time in a long time, she feels like she's making a real difference. Rachel Mason helps the students, leads them away from the dark, unlike Amanda who fell into the dark and who didn't even try to escape for so long. Rachel buries Amanda even deeper now that she's been rejected by Nicky for her sordid past.

Then one day, Rachel's walking down Burnley high street when she stops dead. A young woman with golden hair and a wide smile is window shopping, holding a little boy's hand. Melissa hasn't changed much in the years since they last saw each other. Her sister turns and stops in her tracks. They stand in the street, staring at each other, for a long moment. Rachel breaks the silence.

They go to a little coffee shop around the corner and Rachel's introduced to her nephew. They catch up, filling glaring gaps in both of their knowledge. Rachel feels like a stranger in the company of her sister, someone who she used to trust with her life. They patch up their relationship but they both accept they're not going to be as close as they used to be. They swap numbers and addresses and Melissa congratulates her on becoming a teacher. Rachel in turn congratulates her sister on her job. Rachel's a little sketchy on the details, to be honest.

Melissa only calls her Amanda once. Rachel's glad for that at least.

...

She gets promoted to head teacher at her new school with a few years. The school doesn't need much work – it's almost perfect – so it's not much of a challenge. Rachel wants a challenge.

She doesn't let anyone close enough to hurt her. (No one like Nicky or Greg) She has one night stands but nothing more. She always leaves before the sun rises; she never calls when she promises she will, she doesn't make an effort to meet up again. Rachel Mason doesn't do relationships, she decides. (But she still lies in her bed at night, dreaming of falling in love)

She leaves the job in Burnley when she sees a job advertisement in a paper. It informs her that a school in Rochdale is looking for a head teacher to cover the rest of the school year. The school is struggling. Rachel sees the challenge and she takes it up. She arrives in Rochdale six days before she starts at her new school. (It's called Waterloo Road)

Rachel's determined to make a difference here, to turn the school's fortunes around. She meets her deputy that first morning but she takes an instant dislike to him. (She can tell he wanted the job) They clash and she tells him that she thinks maths teachers are boring (She's remembering Billy) but soon, they put their differences aside because they both want the same thing. (They want the best for the kids) Soon, Eddie becomes her most trusted ally in the school.

They work together, side by side, for weeks and weeks, slowly changing the school for the better. She decides she likes him, that she wants to get to know him better. Then she finds out that she's not the only one to have a past. (Though Eddie's is nowhere as near as sordid as hers) Rachel finds out about his two sons, Steven and Michael, and hears about his ex-wife and the tragic circumstances that led to him only having one boy left and no wife anymore. She empathises with her deputy and she'd have to be blind not to see the sparks that fly between them. (She ignores them. She's not looking for a relationship)

Rachel was stupid if she thought she could outrun Amanda. Stuart Hordley turns up, and reminds her about her past. (About dirty little Amanda) He tells what she needs to do to escape her past coming back to haunt her. Stuart blackmails her and she just goes along for the ride. She lets him walk all over her because she doesn't want anyone to know about her past. Rachel doesn't want Amanda to ruin her future.

Stuart gets the contract. Rachel hopes he'll leave her alone now. She throws herself into work. Rachel doesn't stop to think about what would happen if Hordley decides to reveal her past anyway. She can't let herself think that way. (But she does, late at night when she's alone with her fears) Stuart goes away and Rachel starts breathing again. She buries Amanda again. (But she doesn't want to be buried)

She's in her office when Eddie comes in. He's angry with her but she doesn't know why. Then she sees the look in his eye and all she can see is Nicky and the way he looked at her when she told him. (He knows. He has to know) It's a look of disgust and betrayal all rolled up into one and Rachel hates it. So what if she has a past, she can't change it now so many years later. Eddie confirms her fears. They argue, all raised voices and scathing looks. She wants him to understand, but he won't let himself. (Like Nicky)

She tells him that he can't get over the fact that she slept with men for money twenty years ago. He doesn't refute her claims and it hits her in the heart. She's not sure why. This hurts more, Eddie hating her for her past, than it did when Nicky abandoned her. She doesn't let herself consider that, though. (It's dangerous territory) She goes home that night. She lies in bed that night and she dreams of falling in love. (Unaware that she's already started)

Soon Eddie finally manages to get over it, something Nicky never managed to do. (Eddie is twice the man Nicky was) Eddie starts feeling concern for her, wants her to report Stuart, but he still doesn't understand what it would mean if the whole world knew about Amanda. Rachel pretends to call the council but she doesn't, she can't bring herself to incur the wrath of Stuart and maybe have her secrets lain out in the open.

Rachel finally thinks it's over when she gets to the last day of term. Stuart hasn't told anyone and neither has Eddie. But then it all goes wrong. Stuart turns up at the spelling bee and, in front of the whole school, Amanda comes back to haunt her with a vengeance. As she stands on the stage, frozen, watching Eddie manhandle Stuart from the hall, she feels a thousand eyes looking up at her. She knows every single one of them will have that look in their eyes. (She calls it the Nicky look) Rachel – or Amanda, both exist on the stage at that moment – can't lie to them anymore. She admits the truth before fleeing the room.

She cries and cries and cries. It's over. Her new life, her escape, has fallen down around her ears. No one will want an ex-prostitute as their head teacher, will they? Rachel packs her stuff and then Eddie comes in. She doesn't want to go but she accepts she has to. Eddie convinces her she doesn't need to run away. (Not anymore)

Then the fire alarm goes off. Panic fills the halls of Waterloo Road. Rachel turns to Eddie and in that moment she wants to tell him so much, just in case... (Just in case she doesn't come back. Just in case she doesn't get out of here) But her tongue dries up and nothing comes out. Instead, Rachel goes on a final check of the school, ignoring the swirling emotions in her head.

When she finds Stuart, she knows she can't leave him there to die. Rachel tries to get him out, but she can't breathe, she can't think straight. Then the roof hits her and she can't think at all. (And in the moment before everything goes black, she dreams of Eddie)

She wakes up in hospital, genuinely surprised she's still alive. The doctors tell her how lucky she is. All Rachel can think is that Eddie isn't here. (She doesn't know that he was there all through the night) She puts her feelings to the side as she concentrates on getting better. When she's discharged, Rachel feels oddly at peace. Everybody knows but they accept her. That's never happened before.

A job comes up at the school and Rachel thinks, idly, that it would suit Melissa well. Before she knows it, the job is her sister's. She needs an ally. (Blind to the fact she already has one) Eddie asks her out for a drink. Rachel wants to accept his offer, but she doesn't let herself. (That damn scar...) She sees the look on his face when he sees it. (Or maybe she imagines it because nobody could love her, especially not Eddie Lawson) She pushes him away.

Melissa turns up and Rachel lets herself relax around her sister. Then that night, after she's decided that maybe she's made a mistake with Eddie, she sees them together and realises she was wrong. Eddie and Melissa are much more suited to each other than she and Eddie could ever be.

She watches through jealous eyes as her sister and Eddie flirt in the corridors, as they move in together, and then get engaged. She's managed to convince herself that she doesn't care anymore, that Eddie's just a friend, but as she watches her deputy propose to her sister, a little bit of her heart breaks. (Rachel's theory of falling: you'll fall apart at the mere idea of them with someone else.) Rachel smiles, but she feels numb inside. When Melissa asks her to the maid of honour, she falls apart on the inside, but on the outside, she's all smiles and joy.

(Rachel goes home and dreams of falling out of love)

She dives into work again. (Like she always does now when things get tough) She focuses on the kids, and their problems, instead of her own. When the end of the term comes around, she looks forward to two weeks on her own – away from the school. (And Eddie and Melissa)

She misses Eddie. Their friendship has become strained over the last few weeks, but Rachel isn't quite sure why. (It's because she's jealous) They still talk just the same, but there's something under the words, something that's being left unsaid. They ignore it and Rachel pretends to be happy for her sister and for Eddie. (Inside, she's nursing a broken heart)

The last day comes around. Soon, her sister will Mrs Lawson and Rachel will be sitting alone at home. She doesn't want to think about. The passport goes missing. Rachel just assumes it'll get found. (She doesn't expect Phillip to tell her what he does) Things spiral out of control pretty quickly. Melissa admits that she's still married to two other men and Eddie gets angry. Rachel doesn't blame him, she's angry with Melissa, too. Then Melissa drags her into it. Melissa levels accusation after accusation and Rachel's sure that Eddie will refute every single one of them. (Because he doesn't love her) He doesn't and Rachel can't help her heart from soaring, but then she turns back to Melissa, tears streaming down her sister's face, and Rachel can't stay in the room anymore. Melissa is asking Eddie a question she doesn't want to hear the answer of. (Because he'll choose Mel)

She goes to her office, picks up her stuff and then goes out to her car. Those two weeks away from the school are looking more and more enticing as the day drags on. Rachel slings her belongings into the car, wondering where Melissa and Eddie will go, because she knows they can't stay here, not now. Then the door opens heavily and she looks up.

"Rachel." He picked her.

...

Melissa disappears to god knows where after that day and Rachel concedes it's unlikely she'll see her sister again. She leaves Philip with her though, so maybe Mel will come back for him. Their relationship has been irrevocably, irreversibly broken after the explosive showdown at the end of last term.

Rachel and Eddie don't talk about it. They ignore it. Pretend it never happened. (But it did) The new term starts and they've still not discussed the fact that he picked her over Melissa. (That he's in love with her) She concentrates on her work, on looking after Philip, on anything else. Eddie does the same.

Their friendship gets back on track – both their personal one and they professional one, much to Rachel's relief. She doesn't want what happened with Melissa to hang over them like a black cloud. Everything seems to go back to what it was like before Mel turned up and turned everything on its head. (Except they still don't talk about it)

They don't even have to talk about it, in the end. They go bowling – Phil is meant to be there, but he doesn't show – so it's just them two. It just happens and Rachel doesn't stop it. He kisses her and the whole world just seems to stop.

They go back to her place that night and Rachel takes him out into her garden and they stargaze together. He puts his arms around and soon she finds that they are dancing in the dark with no music playing. He kisses her again then, and she smiles. She realises then, in the freezing cold with no shoes on, standing beneath the stars, that she has fallen in love with the man she is dancing with. (She doesn't have to dream anymore)

There's no looking back after that. Their relationship goes from strength to strength and Rachel dares to dream of a future with Eddie Lawson. Rachel loves him. She feels so comfortable in his presence and it feels so right with him, that she can see herself growing old with him by her side. (It's a shame that life has other plans for the two of them)

Melissa comes back into her life in a way that Rachel couldn't have expected, no more than a few months later. She's pregnant and it's Eddie's. Rachel feels numb. The one time she does the right thing, the one time she falls in love with a good man, with a good heart, her sister (Her own flesh and blood, for god's sake) has made things so much more complicated. Rachel wonders why anything good in her life has to fall apart. She knows in her heart of hearts that she and Eddie won't make it through this. It's not that she doesn't love him enough; it's the opposite, really. Rachel ends the fledgling relationship, though it breaks her heart and Eddie's too. (She's never hated Melissa as much as she does in that moment)

He leaves and Rachel realises that she's never felt her heart break, not like this. Her heart shatters onto the ground and she just stares. She's got no idea how to fix this and the mess it's turned into. It's time to put her theory into practice. She fell in love with Eddie. If Rachel's theory is correct, she'll never love anybody as much as she loves Eddie. (She hopes to god that her theory's wrong)

...

She puts Eddie to the back of her mind, he's gone and not coming back. Rachel tries to move on with her life. She focuses on work, on the new merger with a local private school that is happening at Waterloo Road, on the students and their exams, on anything except her life and how alone she feels.

She meets her new deputy, a man name Max. He's slimy and Rachel can tell instantly that he'll be no good for the school. Rachel watches as slowly, her school slips out of her grip in the next few weeks and months as Max's influence spreads. She doesn't want to lose the only thing she has left that she gives a damn about. (Now Eddie's gone) She spends more and more time at the school, trying to wrestle control back from Max.

She manages it in the end, with Philip and Kim's help. Rachel gets Waterloo Road back and she manages to get her first night's sleep in six months. (Since Eddie left) She moves on for the first time, with a colleague, Chris. (He doesn't know about Eddie) Rachel's been able to tell that he's liked her ever since he joined the school earlier that year, as part of the merger. She's so drunk, that for a whole evening, she doesn't think about Eddie Lawson at all.

It seems to free her up, seeing someone else. She faces up to the fact that, yes, she loved Eddie so much and she might not love anyone else as much as she does him, but he's not here anymore and she needs to get on with her life without him there. (It hurts more than she ever thought possible) Rachel knows that it'll never work out with Chris. (It doesn't help that he gets given Eddie's old job) She wants to find someone who she can love for the rest of her life, but she knows that this probably won't happen, not now. (Why would anybody want her?)

Then Rachel meets an old face she thought she'd never see again. She first met Adam a long time ago, before Rachel, before her mother disappeared, even before her dad upped sticks and abandoned them. She went to secondary school with Adam, and yet she hardly recognises him. (Maybe because she spent quite a few years back then in a vodka induced haze) He's changed just as much as she has.

Rachel likes him, she admits to herself a few weeks later, after they get trapped in a store cupboard together and they reminisce about the past. She sees possibility light up on the horizon. Adam is sweet and lovely and gentle and she realises pretty soon that he's completely and utterly in love with her. Rachel can see herself spending the rest of her life with him, even now, in the early days of their relationship.

Before she takes it any further, however, one evening she goes out into her garden and she looks up at the stars, the ones she watched with Eddie as they danced in her garden barefooted so many months ago now. Rachel realises that she needs to let Eddie go. That doesn't mean she'll stop loving him – she knows there'll always be a special place in her heart for him (She did fall in love with him, after all) – but she could love Adam too. Eddie would want her to be happy, wouldn't he, and Adam sure does make her happy.

(She says goodbye to Eddie that evening)

Rachel and Adam's relationship is strengthened after that evening, because she can finally let herself go, she finally lets herself love him. Not long later, Adam proposes, and Rachel takes a few seconds to consider. (And in that moment, she remembers every single man she has ever let herself open up to. She remembers Greg and that idyllic summer in Scotland when she was a student, she remembers Nicky and his proposal under a blazing red setting sun in Sicily when they were on holiday, and then she remembers Eddie and when they dancing in the moonlight with the stars looking down on her) It doesn't take her long to say yes. She has a feeling that Adam might be the one she'll spend the rest of her life with. Rachel loves him.

They have their first argument not long later. They get angry at one another because Adam thinks she spends too much time, uses too much effort on Waterloo Road, which is true, but still. (It's _her_ school, after all) It doesn't take them long to make up and Rachel comes to a decision. There are too many ghosts here at Waterloo Road and Adam's right that she cares too much about her school, about her job. She'll leave at the end of the year, cut her ties and do whatever Adam wants her to do.

She gets married and Rachel Mason (who used to be Amanda Fenshaw) becomes Rachel Fleet. Philip's there and he brings a guest, but apart from that, it's just Rachel and Adam in the registry office. They go back to the school together, for the end of year leavers do, and that's when she tells him. Her husband holds her in his arms and she's never felt happier in her entire life.

...

They go to Spain first. They use both of their savings, and therefore they can spend as long as their money will let them just travelling. They go to Barcelona and then Madrid and see the sights, before they go to some little village that no one's ever heard of and spend months on end in a little B&B, exploring the local landscape and attempting to learn Spanish. There's no pressure to get a job, or to do much really, apart from laze around and just have fun.

When they get bored of Spain, they catch a train across the country and into France. They go to Paris – the city of love – and spend a dizzying summer there, changing hotel at least eight times over the three months they stay there, because they want to see every side to Paris they can. They stay in an expensive hotel for a night, and several cheap hotels that are just as lovely in different ways.

After the summer, as the winter draws in, they catch a plane across the continent to Italy. They start in Sicily (which brings back memories she's forgotten about Nicky) and have an aim to slowly make their way up the beautiful country. They don't make it any further than Bari. To start with, they agree to stay there just for the winter, but end up staying six months. Rachel feels so glad she made her decision to leave Rochdale and Waterloo Road (though sometimes she does miss it). Rachel gets a part time job, in a local school teaching English. It's only three days a week, but it helps with the bills.

They're still in Bari, semi-settled, when their heavenly jaunt across Europe comes to an end a year and three months after it started. Rachel finds out she's pregnant on the morning they are planning to travel to Naples to visit the city for a day, but the plan goes out the window once she tells Adam her news. They come to the joint decision to go back to Britain, to settle down, to buy a house, to get jobs. The idea doesn't faze Rachel, instead it excites her. (She's wanted a family for a long time now)

The go out for a celebratory meal and when she gets back to their apartment, Adam presents her with a map of the UK. He wants her to decide where they are going to live, for there is no place in Britain now that holds any roots for either of them. Rachel can't decide so she just closes her eyes and points a finger in a random direction. She lands on Durham, a city up north, near Newcastle. They agree to move to there, to start their life together there.

To both of their surprises, they still have enough money to get a mortgage on little place in the Durham suburbs and they move into it not long later. It's just big enough for the two of them and their unborn baby. They decide that when they've settled into jobs and have a steady income, they'll get a bigger house. Rachel gets a job, teaching at a local secondary. She wasn't sure that anyone would want to employ a pregnant woman, but her reputation is enough to convince the head of Owlsey Senior School in Durham to take her on as a history teacher. Adam gets employed as the head chef at the best restaurant in the city, wowing them with his culinary skills.

They settle into a routine and Rachel likes the simplicity of her life now. Her work isn't that stressful, because she no longer feels like she needs to prove to people that she can teach; her reputation alone is enough to convince any doubters about her ability. Soon, a pile of baby stuff starts building up in the room that they've decided will be the baby's. Rachel meets Adam's parents (Carl and Sandra) and his brother (Liam) and they're just as nice as Adam. She remembers his brother, from school, as he went to the same school Adam and Rachel both went to.

Sandra knits them baby clothes and gives Rachel the support she can't get from her own mother. (Rachel hasn't seen the woman in nearly thirty years now) Rachel's glad for this, because she has no idea now to be a mother. She did alright with Philip but he was sixteen. (She doesn't dwell on Phil, because he makes her mind stray into other things, onto other people, that she doesn't want to think about)

She goes for her first scan. Rachel and Adam both marvel at the tiny little blob on the screen. She's sure that Adam cries a little when he sees his baby on the screen, though he wouldn't admit it.

Rachel and Adam go on holiday to Scotland, as she starts to get a bump, just tiny to start with. It snows as they spend Christmas day in a holiday cottage in the Scottish highlands, somewhere just outside Inverness, before they go to Adam's parents house and spend New Year there. It's the first time since she was with Nicky; she has spent Christmas with more than one person. They used to go to Nicky's mum and dad's place for Christmas dinner. She hasn't thought about that in such a long time. Adam gives her a beautiful necklace for Christmas and she gives him a watch. She has the best Christmas she has ever had.

She goes for another ultrasound scan a few weeks after the Christmas holidays, but Adam can't get away from work to go with her. She's feeling a little miserable, because it's raining and she had troublesome year nines in the only lesson she has taught today. She goes into the exam room, tiredly, fully expecting the scan to take even less time than the last one did.

It doesn't, it takes far longer. Rachel starts to worry that something's wrong with her baby, especially when the nurse leaves the room to go get the doctor. She's close to tears, straining her eyes to see the screen, when the doctor arrives – he's a middle aged balding man with a paunch, with clever eyes and an easy manner. (Rachel likes him) Dr Martins spends a few minutes staring at the screen, and then he turns to Rachel. He asks her if she would like the hospital to call her husband, and its then she feels her nerves shred to pieces. There's something wrong with her baby. Dr Martins explains it's only because he has some news he would like to share with both of them. Rachel asks him to call Adam but to tell her the news right now, because she cannot wait until he gets here.

Dr Martins takes a deep breath and tells her. She's having twins. Twins. Two babies, not just one, but two. She breathes a massive sigh of relief. (But when Adam gets there, she sobbing)

Rachel's so choked up she can't get her words out; she can't tell Adam that he's not just having one baby, he's having two. The nurse has to tell him, calming his raging fears that something is dreadfully wrong with their baby. (He cries too)

They have to go out and buy more stuff, because they thought that they had it all but now they're having twins they need double the stuff. They spend hours pouring over catalogues they thought they wouldn't need anymore. They break the news to Adam's parents and are congratulated and hugged and they celebrate. Rachel tells her colleagues at work who tell her that it's hard enough to look after one baby and they feel for her, because she's going to have to look after two little babies at once but they also tell her that's she's lucky, because her children (it still feels strange to say children, plural) will have a play mate from the word go, and she won't have to entertain them as exhaustingly as she would have had to if she only had a single kid.

She goes home and curls up on the sofa with Adam. They spend the evening making decisions, important ones. They decide that Adam will name one of their kids and Rachel will name the other baby. It'll stop them arguing over names, Rachel says. They decide that they'll definitely have to get a bigger house now there will be four of them, instead of three. Then Rachel spends the rest of the evening, talking to her bump, whilst Adam watches the footie on the telly. (She doesn't want the day to end)

Time gets away from them and soon, Rachel can hardly walk because her bump is so big. Rachel spends most of her time at home, now that she's on maternity leave. She goes over and visits Adam's mum quite a lot, and they just talk. Sandra gives Rachel advice, which she gratefully takes. She goes out with work friends and spends most of her evening with Adam, just watching films or talking.

She and Adam don't really want to find out the gender of their kids, preferring it to be a surprise, but she has so many scans recently to check on her babies' health, that it soon becomes obvious. Adam hasn't been able to attend all of the scans, and when Rachel finds out the sex when he isn't there, she asks Adam if he wants to know, or if he wants to wait. He says that he wants to know if she does, because he is certain she will give it away anyway. She tells him. (They're having one boy and one girl)

She's been warned by various medical professionals that her twins are likely to born early. (Twins usually are) She goes into labour when she's only thirty two weeks, in the middle of the night, when Adam's still at work. (Why did he have to be at work?) She tries to drive herself to the hospital, figuring she'll have enough time, but the contractions get far too bad, and she has to pull up on the side of the road, and for a hideously panicky moment, she thinks she'll give birth, alone, on the side of the road. (But she doesn't)

She calls Adam, then an ambulance. The ambulance gets to her first and the two paramedics who treat her are lovely. (Or maybe the pain medication they give her is lovely) One paramedic introduces herself as Katherine and the other one is called Mickey. They take her to the hospital.

Rachel lies back as the ambulance whips down empty streets to the local hospital. She's thinking that maybe she'll give birth before Adam can get there, something she doesn't want to happen. She can feel blind panic rising up in her. She hasn't felt so alone, so utterly scared, so confused in such a long time. (Not since Eddie) She tries concentrate on the good things, on the past couple of years, her time with Adam, but her mind keeps straying onto other things, onto other people she doesn't want to remember. She starts crying and the paramedics ask her is she's okay. She tells them that she's fine, just a little over emotional.

They arrive at the hospital and she's transferred up to the maternity ward. Adam is already there, waiting for her. (She breathes a sigh of relief) He holds her hand as she gives birth to their twins, telling her she is brilliant and wonderful and amazing. Rachel loves him so much in that moment, for supporting her, for being there for her. (She's not sure she could have done it alone) Looking down at her babies, Rachel marvels, because they are her flesh and blood, a family. (Something she hasn't had for a long time) The boy is smaller than the girl, but not by much, and they're both tiny anyway. Her son is older, but only by twelve minutes so it's a close run thing.

Adam is holding his little girl and Rachel is holding her son, when Adam tells her that she can name their son and he'll name their daughter. It'll stop any arguments that could arise. They haven't talked about names, but Rachel can tell Adam already has one in mind. _Leah Amy Fleet_, he calls her, as he rocks his baby girl gently in his arms. Rachel smiles at the beautiful sight in front of her, feeling so happy.

She looks down at her son, happiness running through her veins and she strokes his face, staring into the eyes of her little baby, still not believing that she is a mother. Adam prompts her to name him, and as Rachel stares down at him she thinks he looks like a Jack. Then she can't stop herself, the words spill out of her mouth before she can stop them. _Jack Eddie, _she tells Adam they'll call him. (Not Edward or Edmund, no, it's Eddie) Adam smiles and tells her it's a lovely name. He doesn't suspect that she's named their son after a man she used to know... She puts Eddie to the back of her mind, and concentrates on her son and her daughter. (She just couldn't help herself)

...

Her children grow up quickly, and before she knows it, her twins are four years old and starting primary school. Adam has got a new job, with more flexible hours (He doesn't have to spend weekends at work, now) and Rachel is glad, because she gets lonely sometimes at weekends, in the evenings, when Leah and Jack are in bed and Adam's still at work. Sometimes she'll watch awful telly or sometimes she'll read a book, or maybe she'll go on Facebook and chat to a friend or something like that, but now that Adam doesn't have to work during the weekends now, they can spend those evenings together.

It's on Facebook she finds out about Tom. (Her old colleague) Rachel is friends with someone who is friends with someone else who has another friend who posts about it. (For she won't let herself become friends with anyone from back then, just in case) Rachel doesn't believe it, Tom can't be dead. (It's only been a few years since she left, but so much seems to have happened) She mourns her old colleague's death silently, not wanting to tell Adam about it. (She also finds out that her old school isn't in Rochdale anymore)

Leah and Jack turn out to be the best of friends but also the worst of friends. They argue constantly but they always make up. Rachel watches as her kids get bigger, start talking and walking and just grow up. (It scares her, just a little, how quickly it happens) They go on holiday to Scotland when the twins are five. They go to that holiday cottage outside of Inverness that hold memories of that perfect Christmas and Rachel and Adam decide it's time to buy a bigger house, because the kids are getting to big for their little room.

It's not long later that Adam and Rachel start arguing over the little stuff. She puts it down to stress at work (Ofsted are coming) and they always make up, so Rachel doesn't think it's much. Then they have a massive argument, all shouting and yells that make the children cry, and Rachel wonders who they have become. (Maybe they're two people who used to love each other but don't anymore...) She wonders if she still loves Adam enough and if their marriage can take all this. She wants it to, but she's not sure about Adam.

He starts spending more and more time at work, even though he doesn't need to. (Leaving her alone with the kids, more often than not) Rachel starts to resent him, especially when he opens his own restaurant and spends even more time on the phone, at work, and he never there when she needs him. He's not there when Jack breaks his leg falling off the monkey bars at school. (Rachel is) He's not there to help her when the twins are both struck down with flu. (Rachel is) He's not there on their seventh wedding anniversary when she cooks him his favourite meal. (Rachel is alone then, feeling stupid)

Rachel goes back to work when her children are seven because she can't stand the long lonely days anymore. (Not when her weekends are spent alone as well) She's surprised when she gets the job she used to have back at her old school. Owlsey School is the same as she remembers it, the staff have hardly changed over the six years she hasn't worked there. She dives into work. (Ignoring her problems)

Her children are the light in her life. Leah and Jack are brilliant and lovely and she loves them more than the whole world. She loves spending time with them, she loves the strange little comments they come out with. She loves the look on their faces when Adam comes home. She loves her children. (Shame her love for Adam seems to be dwindling)

It's Christmas when her marriage starts to crumble, when she realises she might have finally lost Adam. She puts on a brave face, and Leah and Jack don't seem to notice that anything's up with their parents, when in fact everything Rachel holds dear is in uproar. She finds Adam in bed with a colleague. (A young woman many years younger than Rachel, not at all forgettable) She doesn't expect it. Their marriage may be failing, but sleeping with someone else will hardly help, will it? It hurts; it feels like fire is burning her heart to a cinder, it feels like her whole world is falling apart around her. (Yet again...)

She goes home after finding out the ultimate betrayal and puts her children into bed, kissing them on the forehead and telling them daddy will be home soon. She loves Adam but she can't see a happy ending for them. (Maybe Rachel wasn't made for happy endings?) Adam gets home late that night, but Rachel doesn't let him in. She leaves him out on the doorstep in the driving rain, wanting him to suffer just as much as she is.

Adam promises her is was just a one-time thing, that it meant nothing, that he loves her and their children, that they can fix it. He goes quiet after one in the morning when the rain gets worse (It looks like the heavens have broken apart, apt really, when her whole world has been split apart) and Rachel assumes he's left. She goes up to bed. (She dreams of Eddie for the first time in nearly ten years) She cries.

When she gets up in the morning, she finds Adam asleep on their doorstep, his clothes soaked. Rachel can't help but invite him in. They have coffee (awkward) and Rachel tells him that she doesn't think she can forgive him, that she thinks their marriage is doomed, and that they should end it now.

Adam makes her change her mind. He becomes the man she loves again, his sweet smile, his beautiful eyes, his charming nature, all coming back to him. He promises her that he will cut down his work hours, (He does) that he'll spend more time with her and the kids, (He does) and that they can fix their marriage because they love each other. (They do)

Adam changes, slowly, back into the man he was when Rachel married him and for this she is glad. They slowly patch up their relationship, taking small steps, until they've just about fixed things. (Rachel hopes they'll make it this time)

They go on holiday to Italy, to Bari, and even though Leah and Jack come with them, the twins are old enough to do their own thing, so Rachel and Adam are able to go to places they went to all those years ago now and they find themselves more in love than ever. (Shame they had to take it to the brink to realise what they had)

Rachel finds herself relaxing once again in Adam's presence, and all the little things he does no longer annoy her. By the time they get back England, their family is closer than it has ever been.

The next few years fly by, and soon, Leah and Jack are sixteen and are independent. They go out with friends and Rachel frets and worries so much that something will happen to her children. Leah is sensible, hangs around with the right crowd, gets on with her school work, gets good grades, but it's her brother Rachel and Adam worry the most about. He has got some questionable friendships, and quite often falls behind on his school work. He's not as clever as his twin sister, and he doesn't seem to try as hard. Rachel asks Adam to talk to his boy, and not long later, things start to pick up. (Rachel allows herself to relax)

Leah is first of her children to suffer a broken heart. Her boyfriend dumps her for her best friend and she comes home and cries all night long. Rachel holds her daughter to her, wishing she could take the pain away. (But she can't) Jack is more successful in love. He meets a lovely girl at the shop he works at. She's called Michelle. Jack confides in his father that he thinks Michelle might be the person he spends the rest of his life with. (Rachel is sceptical. She remembers being young and in love and she doubts her son's relationship will last)

She meets Michelle for the first time after her and Jack's one year anniversary has past, something that Rachel thought she'd never see. Rachel doesn't know what she is expecting, but after she talks Michelle Andrews for only a few minutes, she knows it wasn't this. Michelle is calm and collected, she's clever, and she's got her life planned out in front of her, (She's got her head screwed on, that one, Adam says, later) but most of all, she seems to be head over heels in love with Jack. Rachel likes Michelle instantly and reviews her pessimistic views on teenage romance. She genuinely thinks that Jack has found someone he could spend the rest of his life with.

Leah's love life is much more all over the place. She dates a succession of men, but she confides in her mother that she doesn't think she'll ever find anyone. (Leah reminds Rachel of herself when she was her age)

Leah and Jack both go off to University at the same time. (Jack to Glasgow to study law and Leah to Exeter to study English) Rachel is so proud of her children, but at the same time feels so lonely now that her children are gone. It helps with her and Adam, however, and they grow closer after their children go away. It strengthens their relationship and Rachel knows she made the right decision to take him back all those years ago now.

They go and visit the twins now and again, and Leah and Jack both come up at Christmas. It feels like old times and as Rachel curls up on the sofa with her husband, and she cannot imagine anything more perfect.

...

Rachel cannot be in two places at once, however much she would like to be, so when both Jack and Leah's graduations from uni are scheduled for the same day, some jiggling about will need to be done. Rachel and Adam decide that one parent will attend one graduation each, and then everyone will go back to Durham for a celebratory meal. (They're going to Adam's restaurant) Rachel goes to Glasgow to watch her son get his law degree and Adam drives down to Exeter to watch Leah graduate.

Rachel had never felt prouder as she watches Jack walk onto that stage and collect his degree. (She might have cried a little) Rachel manages to tear Jack and Michelle (whose relationship has managed to survive university) away from their friends and get them in the car. It takes them a little over three hours to get back to Rachel and Adam's house, where they catch up as they wait for Leah and Adam drive up from Exeter. (The seemingly furthest University away from Durham) It takes them six hours to travel up most of Britain to Durham. It's half nine at night and Rachel has already called up the restaurant and cancelled the reservation because she had a feeling that Adam and Leah wouldn't make it back in time.

So instead, she orders pizza and it comes just as Adam pulls up in the drive. They eat the pizza swapping stories and again, Rachel has never felt so alive in her entire life. She falls asleep that night a happy woman.

They always say life goes faster when you get old, and Rachel realises that they are speaking the truth. Soon, her little babies are no longer quite so little. Jack marries Michelle when he's twenty four. (Rachel cries, then, tears of joy but also of sadness because her little boy is growing up) Soon Michelle announces she's pregnant and Rachel prepares herself to become a grandparent.

When her first grandchild is born, Rachel bounces up and down with joy. Jack (who lives in Glasgow now, and works at a law firm in the city) calls and tells them the happy news and very quickly, Rachel and Adam are on the first train to Glasgow. Her first born grandchild is a little boy, called Leonard (Lenny) Benjamin Fleet. He's a bundle of perfectness, and as Rachel holds her grandson, she feels her heart swell. She looks at Adam then, with her entire family in the room – Leah is there along with the proud new parents – and their eyes meet. She's made it. She's made it good. Rachel has overcome her past (the neglectful parents, the growing up too soon, the going off the rails, Freddie and the prostitution) and it has stopped it coming back to haunt her. It is firmly behind her now. Rachel has a family, a loving husband, (though there were problems there, once) and a stable, enjoyable job. Her life is brilliant.

A few weeks after their first grandson is born, Adam and Rachel go on holiday. They go to Italy, to Bari, to their place. They see the sights and relax and have fun. (They're older now, so they have different types of fun) Rachel once again remembers why she married Adam Fleet. (Now twenty seven years ago) Leah calls them during the trip, telling them she's got a steady boyfriend now and when they get back, they'll have to meet him. Leah says his name is Antony and that he's lovely. (Rachel just smiles at how smitten her daughter sounds over the phone)

They go home after three months of glorious holiday and then a few days after they get back, Leah brings Antony over. Jack, Michelle and little Lenny are visiting too, and Rachel feels glad that all her children have come home. They haven't all been at home for a long time now.

They go out for big family meal at Adam's restaurant and Rachel gets to know her (hopefully) prospective son-in-law. Antony is just as lovely as Leah said he was and Rachel likes him. (Adam likes him more because he likes the same football team as he does) They go back to the house and, because it's not too late, they go out into the beautiful summer evening, to watch the sunset. To start with, Rachel watches Jack playing with his son, so happy that her son is such a hands on dad, but Leah keeps dragging her into conversations that she can't pay much attention to.

Adam and Antony are standing at the end of the garden, drinking beer, talking about football. Rachel manages to tear her eyes away from her son and grandson for long enough to ask how long Leah has been seeing Antony and her daughter replies; saying that they've been together on and off for three years now and they're finally getting serious. Rachel feels so glad for her daughter, finally finding love. Michelle, who is sitting with them, asks Leah something, but Rachel is already concentrating on something else, breathing in a gulp of fresh air, just savouring the moment.

Leah attempts to get her attention again, but it takes her daughter a couple of attempts to get through to her. Rachel turns back to her daughter and her daughter-in-law, picking up her glass of wine and taking a sip. She doesn't expect Leah's question, and sits, in silence for a long moment afterwards. Leah wants to know how you know if you're in love. (Rachel can tell why)

Rachel nods after a few seconds, before telling Leah about love. She tells her daughter that love is the way you feel when they walk in room, it's the way your heart skips a beat with they say your name, it's the way you'll fall apart the mere idea of them with someone else. (She tells Leah about falling, too) She explains how you'll love so many people in your life, but only one of them will be the one.

Michelle and Leah look at her for a long moment afterwards. Then Leah speaks quietly. "Is that the way you feel with dad?" Rachel takes a sip of her drink and doesn't answer. (Because it's not. That accolade goes to someone else) The three of them don't breathe another word, until Adam and Antony (Tony) come up. Michelle makes her excuses and goes over to Jack, and Leah jumps up and gravitates to Tony's side. Michelle and Leah don't look her in the eye for the rest of the evening.

Adam retires not long later, leaving his job at his restaurant and taking up golf and five-a-side football. He also does a spot of gardening, here and there, tidying up a garden that has been handed over to the dogs for thirty years. He tries to convince Rachel to retire, and she tells him she'll retire when she wants to. (She doesn't want to give up on the kids)

Michelle and Jack announce her second pregnancy on the day Tony proposes to Leah. Rachel helps her daughter plan her wedding – Leah doesn't want a big wedding, just a small affair in the registry office with just her family and Tony's family. She goes shopping with Leah and they look for wedding dresses. Her daughter seems to have forgotten about what happened in the garden. (She hasn't) Leah seems so happy with Tony and Rachel feels so glad for her, because she can remember the sobbing teenager who told her she thought she'd never fall in love.

A few weeks before Leah and Tony's wedding, Adam tells Rachel that his dad (Carl) has passed away. Adam cries. (Rachel cries with him) They go visit Sandra and both of them can tell that she isn't going to last much longer. They're right, the day before the wedding; Sandra dies too, joining her beloved husband. She and Adam decide to tell Leah and Jack after the wedding, so they can enjoy the big day without being sad that their grandmother has died.

Michelle's bump is massive at the wedding and Rachel worries that she'll give birth during the ceremony. (She doesn't) Rachel meets Tony's parents for the first time and gets a shock. She recognises him across the reception hall, as he sits alone at a table. (It's Nicky, her ex who abandoned her after she told him about Amanda) Rachel watches as Adam goes off to play with Lenny, who's two now, before slipping into the seat next to him. It's not long later that she finds out that Nicky is Tony's dad.

It feels strange, sitting next to Nicky, after all this time. The first thing he does when he recognises her is apologise for how he ended their relationship. Rachel is happy that he can see that what he did that day was wrong. He explains that he just couldn't cope with her revelations, that he couldn't see past who she used to be, and that he's sorry for that. They talk, catching up on lost time. Rachel meets his wife, (Henrietta) Tony's mum. Nicky introduces her as his old friend, as well as Leah's mother, but he doesn't delve any deeper, and for that Rachel is glad. Her relationship with Nicky is in the past now, and has been for a very long time. Adam wanders over not long later and Rachel introduces him as well. They spend a long just chattering about their children.

It's a happy day.

They tell Leah and Jack five days after wedding about their grandmother. Their children cry, but that's to be expected. They hold a funeral for her, and Adam cries again and Rachel holds him, giving him comfort in his time of need. It's then that Leah and Jack both ask her about her family. (They've never met any of hers) Rachel tells them that her father and mother both walked out on her on different occasions and that she lost contact with her sister as an adult. (She doesn't explain why, though) She explains that they'll probably never meet their aunt or her children, except maybe Philip – who lives in France now, with his wife and kids, but Rachel hasn't seen him since she left with Adam to go travelling. They've talked on the phone a few times but nothing more. The questions stop after that.

Michelle gives birth prematurely to another little baby boy. He's born at thirty weeks, but the care at the hospital is brilliant and a few weeks later, little Mark Jason Fleet is well enough to come home. He's tiny, though, smaller than both Jack and Leah were when they were born.

Leah and Tony come to visit. They live in Liverpool now, having moved there because they got a great job offer in the Mersey area. They are both teachers, (like mother, like daughter) but they work in different schools. They are staying for a couple of days before travelling up to Glasgow to see Jack, Michelle, Lenny and the baby. Before they go, Leah confides in her mother that she's pregnant too, but that they're waiting to announce it because Tony's mother is ill. Rachel in turn tells her daughter that she's going to retire but that she hasn't told Adam yet. She retires a few weeks later and she starts to help Adam out with the gardening.

Tony's mother gets better and Leah and Tony announce their joyous news. Rachel and Adam prepare to be grandparents for the third time. Leah gives birth to a little girl, who they call Zara Elisabeth Anderson, nine months later. There are no complications with the birth and Leah brings Zara to visit her grandparents when she's four weeks old. As Rachel cradles her granddaughter in her arms, she feels so content with how her life has turned out. Everything feels good.

But nothing seems to stay good forever. Four blissful years later, Adam collapses at home and Rachel has to call him an ambulance when he doesn't wake up. The doctors do all manner of tests on him, before a young male doctor comes to break the hideous news. Adam's got cancer. (Rachel doesn't cry. She just feels numb) They go home and a few days later, Adam goes off to the specialist consultant. He comes home that evening and tells Rachel he's got to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy and so many drugs he's lost count. Rachel helps him with his pills and ferries him from appointment to appointment.

The twins and their families descend on the house on Christmas Eve. Adam isn't up to much, with the chemo and radio therapies taking their toll on him. Everybody notices that something is up, but for a few days, no one mentions it and they have a lovely time. Then on the last day of the holiday, Adam and Rachel take their children into the study and tell them. (Leah cries. Jack cries when he thinks no one is listening)

Christmas comes and goes and Adam seems to respond to treatment. His tumour shrinks a little and he and Rachel manage one last (though they don't know it then) holiday to Italy. They go to Bari again, and seek out the apartment they stayed in when they were young and care-free and so utterly alive. Adam holds her hand as the watch the sun set and Rachel wonders what she will do if he dies. (She doesn't think she'll cope without him beside her side) They can't stay long, only seven days, because of Adam's treatments, but those seven days are wonderful.

The tumour shrinks until it's gone and the doctors think he might be in remission. Rachel and Adam have a little party, eating cheese and wine until the dark creeps in and they fall asleep on the sofa. (But they don't tell the twins, just in case the cancer comes back) It's November now and they go and watch the fireworks together. They kiss in the dark as they walk back to their home, as Adam whispers 'I love you' to her in the night when he thinks she's asleep.

(What would she do without him?)

She finds out not a week later. She wakes up in the morning and goes to wake Adam, but he's cold. (So cold...) She realises he's dead a few minutes later. (She's only seen one dead person before) Rachel doesn't want to cry, but the tears just come and come and she just can't stop them. They take Adam away half an hour later and Rachel makes herself a cup of strong coffee. Then she picks up the phone and asks her children to come over.

They hear the graveness in her tone and they come instantly. They leave their families behind and for that Rachel is glad. She couldn't bare the noise of three young kids. Leah gets there first and Rachel makes her a coffee and they sit around the kitchen table in silence. Leah keeps asking what's up but Rachel keeps telling her that she'll tell her when Jack arrives. Her son arrives and that's when she starts crying, silently, praying her children don't notice. (They do)

She tells them. (Rachel cries. Leah cries. Jack cries. Everybody cries)

Rachel buries her husband that winter but she doesn't cry at all during the funeral. She gives Adam a eulogy, telling the gathered congregation that she loved him so much she doesn't know how to live without him, but that she will, because he would have wanted her to.

Rachel puts on a brave face during her first Christmas without Adam. She cooks all the food, plans all the games, and throws herself into the work. (Like she always does when things get tough) Jack and Michelle and the boys come first, a few days before Christmas day, and Leah, Tony and Zara arrive on Christmas day.

They swap presents and eat and play games, and Rachel's mind is taken off her sadness and her grief. Rachel starts to gather up the plates from the dining room and Leah joins her. Everybody else is playing charades in the living room, but Leah helps her to take the plates into the kitchen and assists with the washing up. Rachel speaks quietly as she cleans. She tells Leah that she's old now, but that she's had a good long life, (She's seventy six, now) but now that she's old and grey and alone, she wants Leah to do something for her. Her daughter finishes drying up a plate and crosses the room, taking a seat at the table. She nods.

"I want you to find a man for me, Leah. His name is Eddie Lawson. When you find him, I want you to come back here and tell me the story of how he grew old."

Leah looks up at her mother, but Rachel has already started washing the cake mix bowl, her head turned away.

...

Christmas is done and dusted when Leah visits her again. Rachel's in the living room when her daughter lets herself in. They've talked on the phone a couple of times since Christmas finished. They haven't talked about the request Rachel made on Christmas day, their conversations are always about trivial things, like how Zara is, how Leah's job is going, stuff like that. Leah still lives in Liverpool, which is a two hours and forty five minute journey away and yet, Rachel had no idea that her daughter was coming to visit her.

Rachel opens the door and she holds her daughter close to her. They walk slowly into the kitchen and Rachel sticks the kettle on. Leah gets to why she's here never quickly. Her daughter asks her who Eddie Lawson is.

Rachel doesn't reply.

Leah drops it, instead informing her mother that so far, she's discovered that there are far too many Eddie Lawsons in Britain, to narrow it down to one. Leah also informs Rachel that she's got no clue as to which Eddie Lawson she is looking for. Rachel picks up a pen and writes down everything she knows about Eddie Lawson. (It's not very much. She only knew him for two years) She feels sad, as she thinks about Eddie properly for the first time in fifty years. Even though it's been so long, Rachel can still feel the love she felt for the man she fell so deeply in love with.

Rachel hands Leah the list, and as her daughter is leaving, she stops and turns back. Leah asks if Eddie is the man she was talking about that night in the garden, the night she explained what love felt like. Rachel doesn't answer. Leah stands in the doorway for a long moment afterwards, but then she goes.

Rachel spends a lot of her time now at home, drinking coffee and reading the paper. She watches the telly every so often, but day time T.V. is pretty dire, if she's being kind. Jack comes to visit, just a fleeting one night stop. Michelle and the boys are still in Glasgow, because it's the middle of the term but Jack wanted to come and see his mother. They talk and play cards and watch the telly. Rachel likes having Jack around.

He's grown up now, at thirty nine. He's starting to lose his hair and his oldest boy, Lenny, is fourteen now – starting to grow up himself. Mark is twelve and looks like the spitting image of his father, something that makes Rachel smile. He's now a partner at his law firm and he loves his job with a passion. Rachel says goodnight to her little boy (who's not little at all anymore).

Jack leaves the next morning, but before he does, he tells her she needs to get a hobby, like take up knitting or go to a swimming club. (At her age? She says.) She takes his advice and joins a local over sixty book club. She nervously attends the first meeting and is handed a copy of a book that she's never heard of. That's alright, it turns out, because the club is less of a book club, and more an excuse to have coffee and cake with friends. Rachel makes friends there that are better than most of the friends she made during her youth. (She thinks that maybe she'll stay friends with them until she's dying)

There's Niamh, whose husband died twelve years ago now, but she still visits his grave every Sunday and Thursday and who makes beautiful carrot cake, and Ellie, who loves cats, a love that lead to two divorces from men who didn't love cats quite as much as her, and Hattie, whose husband plays golf and bores her to death when he tells her about it, and finally, there is Lucy, a former teacher (Like Rachel) whose husband divorced her after thirty years of marriage to run off with his young colleague. Rachel is closest to Niamh, and maybe it's because they've both lost a husband, she's not sure.

She goes to the official book club meeting every Tuesday, but the book club convenes at many, non-official-lets-give-up-the-pretence-and-just-ea t-cake-and-chat type of meetings. She feels comfortable in their presence.

Leah comes (sans family) and visits her and Rachel introduces her to the book club and her new friends. They eat cake (like they always do at the book club) and chat about a new television programme that none of them like. Rachel drives home with Leah in the back, and she holds her breath, waiting for her daughter to break the silence and to tell her whether she's found Eddie. (She's doesn't. Not in the car) They get to the house and Rachel turns the dark house light. She sits down in her chair in the living room, as Leah chats with her from the kitchen as she makes coffee for the two of them.

Rachel has known what the visit is about since Leah turned up, because she didn't bring her family with her. If Leah just wanted to come and see her, she could have brought her whole family as it's the half term. Leah must want to talk about Eddie and her search for him.

Leah starts by saying she thinks she's found him. She sets a picture down on the table and Rachel wants to snatch it up, because even though it's been fifty years and he looks so different, she knows it's him. She holds herself back for a few seconds; frozen, (because she hasn't seen his face for so long) until Leah tells her it's okay for her to pick the photo up. Rachel reaches out, slowly, and brings the photo closer to her. Seeing the picture closer, she is certain that this man is Eddie. (It's his eyes. His eyes are the same as they used to be) Rachel stares for a few minutes at the picture.

In the picture, Eddie is smiling at the camera, his face lit up by happiness, his eyes shining. Rachel can tell Leah has cut off the rest of the picture, because Eddie's arm snakes off out of the shot, and she can see the side of a person creeping into the edge. (She wonders if it is his child he's got his arms around) Rachel is mesmerised by the picture, and emotions she's bottled up for fifty years come flooding back. Rachel is surprised that she still loves him even though she hasn't seen him for half a century. (The theory of falling is right after all)

Leah asks her if she's found the right man. Rachel nods and her daughter speaks again. Leah says that she won't tell Rachel about Eddie until she tells her who he is to her. Rachel takes a deep, deep breath (She hasn't talked about him for so long) and explains who Eddie Lawson was to her. (The man she fell in love with) She explains how she fell in love with him, she explains that they broke up - all without mentioning her sister – (she doesn't want to go there) she explains that she went on to marry Adam and love him just as much as she loved Eddie (but differently). She explains that even though she spent fifty years with Adam and not even a year with Eddie, she fell in love Eddie and not with Adam. Her daughter asks her whether she ever considered going to find Eddie before Adam died. Rachel says no, because she was happy with Adam, but now that he's gone, she feels like she can let herself find Eddie now.

(She explains that she's wondered a lot over the past five decades what happened to Eddie)

Leah asks her what she's planning to do now that she's found Eddie. Rachel just replies saying that she just wants to know what happened to him. And so, Leah tells her.

Rachel finds out that after Eddie left Waterloo Road, he moved to Southampton and got a job at a school there. Rachel finds out that Melissa gave birth to a little baby boy called Alex (though Leah doesn't know that Alex is her cousin) and that Melissa and Eddie got married. (Something that breaks Rachel's heart just that little bit more) She finds out that Eddie and Melissa didn't have any more children and that they got divorced after six years of marriage. She finds out that Alex, her nephew, Eddie's son, went to the same university at the same time as Leah, though they never met. He's a lawyer now (like Jack). She finds out that Eddie got married again to a woman called Caroline, (this hurts too) and that they were married for thirty years before they got divorced because they didn't love each other anymore. (Rachel doesn't ask how Leah has found all of this out, she doesn't care really.)

Leah finishes by saying that Eddie moved up north four years ago and lives in Newcastle. (Not even half an hour away) She adds that he lives alone and that he's spent the last few months looking for a woman called Rachel Mason. (Leah doesn't know that Rachel used to be Mason, but she guesses) The fact that Eddie's been looking for her makes her realise that maybe she's not the only one who fell so deeply in love all those years ago. Leah asks if her mother still loves the man called Eddie Lawson.

Rachel doesn't answer. (Leah doesn't need to know any more about the workings of her mother's heart)

Leah leaves not long later, leaving the photo and his address. Rachel's not sure if she's going to visit him. She doesn't know if she should chase after love that's been buried for fifty years, chase after shadows of a relationship that didn't even last a year, and that is more than five decades old. (The fact that Eddie's been looking for her makes her reconsider, however) Finally, curiosity gets the better of her and she books a seat on the weekend train in to Newcastle. (If Eddie doesn't want to see her, she can always go shopping) She wants to meet her nephew, to find out what happened to her golden haired, wide eyed, little sister, because she's old now and past mistakes and past faults can be overlooked, because she doesn't want to live the rest of her life not knowing what happened to the sister she used to love so dearly.

Before she sets of on Saturday morning, she goes to Adam's grave and tells him what she's doing. (She still loves him, even though he's gone and she's realised that she fell irrevocably in love with Eddie Lawson fifty years ago) She sits by his grave and talks to him even though she knows he can't hear her. She's sure Adam would have wanted her to be happy.

Rachel gets on the train and doesn't look back.

...

Standing outside Eddie's house, Rachel watches life speed by. She sits on a bench, trying to build up the courage to knock on his door and to see his face when he opens it. She wonders if he'll recognise her like she recognised him in that photo, which is now slipped into her purse next to pictures of her children and her grandchildren and Adam. (All the people she loves) She sits on the bench and watches his house until she can't sit still any longer. Rachel gets up, crosses the road and gets to his door, all in a matter of seconds.

She closes her eyes, standing on Eddie Lawson's doorstep, wondering if this is all real, if it's actually happening. Rachel hasn't seen him for fifty years and here she is, standing on his doorstep. She knocks. The door doesn't open for a long time, and in that moment she remembers every single moment she spent with the man she is hoping will open the door.

The door opens a few seconds later and Rachel sees Eddie Lawson in the flesh for the first time in five decades. (She cries then, in the winter chill, standing on his doorstep because it's been far too long) Rachel shouldn't have worried about Eddie not recognising her; he seems to know it's her even before she opens her mouth. (It was the eyes, he tells her later, she has the same eyes)

They go into his house and they drink coffee and they talk and talk and talk, and soon night has fallen and they're still talking. They talk about everything. About their children and their grandchildren, (Michael has two boys and Alex has three girls and a boy) about their respective marriages - Eddie tells her about Melissa (he takes her to her sister's grave and Rachel cries. The golden haired girl with the wide smile is dead and buried. Her sister is gone) and Caroline and Rachel tells him about Adam – (Eddie tells how much he loved Caroline and Rachel explains how much she loved Adam, and yet neither of them ever doubt that they are still both in love with each other) They don't talk about themselves and their feelings, they don't kiss, they don't hold hands, but he asks her to stay the night. Rachel takes the spare room and it feels natural when she wakes up in the morning, with Eddie being there.

(They don't bother with dates or stuff like that. They've already lost too much time)

Over the next few months, Eddie and Rachel spend lots of time together. He introduces her to his son, her nephew, and he's lovely and kind and so like her Jack it shocks her. She takes him to meet her family, and Leah comes and finds afterwards, and she tells her how happy she is for Rachel, and that she can see how happy they make each other. Rachel hugs her daughter and thanks her for finding Eddie for her.

After a while, little bits of Eddie start appearing in her house; a toothbrush there, a sports paper here, and soon he stops going home to his place. He starts calling her place _home _and puts his house on the market. This all happens without them talking a word about it. Rachel brings him to the book club, introducing him to Niamh, Lucy, Hattie and Ellie and they eat cake (of course) and they all take turns questioning her about Eddie. They all are surprised when they find out that they first met fifty years ago and then managed to get back in contact after all that time and still love each other more than most people could dream of.

It natural, really, that after a year, they get married. They have a small wedding (smaller than Rachel and Adam's, which takes some doing) with just the two of them, the vicar and two random witnesses (a plumber and a cleaner). Rachel and Eddie then proceed to tell their children. Jack and Leah are both very happy for their mother; Michael is fine with it because his father has already married two other women other than his mother over the years and Alex just smiles at them when they tell him.

They slip into normality so easy it's like they were born to do it. They go to the shops together and Eddie drags her to football matches, they attend church fetes and they have fun, Rachel goes to her book club and Eddie tends to the garden. Everything feels natural and utterly, utterly brilliant.

(On their first wedding anniversary, Eddie takes her out into the garden and they dance under the stars)

...


End file.
